~hyasynth

up until yesterday I had managed, Due to my reclusive nature and strange employment to avoid most holiday related anything. but I was finally lured out into the snow (and false snow) to see The Golden Compass. (avoiding commentary beyond:if you haven't been to a movie theatre in 5 years it feels opressively dissoriantatingly loud.)

I found myself arms full of maple sugar candy, ginger bread pancake mix, turkish delight, and these pretty candies called Chelsea (which ended up being the japanese version of a werther's hard candy though MUCH more hip packaging).

And everything stopped. There are the pinecones that smell so strongly of cinnamon they make my head ache. The pudgy blown glass ornaments from "germany" (though... not likely). silly coffee and tea gift sets, I'm never sure how people end up with.

yes, it really is unavoidable. This will be (as far as I can tell at this point). My first year without my family. The remaining family unit hasn't returned contact since I mentioned moving to maine in an email. (not moving to maine anymore....impending surgery in Jan put a financial and emotional halt on such fantasies).

i thought I would be ok with this, but as uncertainty lurks a little less quietly. I just want to go to my mothers house for xmas sit on the couch and drink bailey's and coffee and have her pet my hair and tell me all is right in the world. And there is no reason to fear.

*does the laughing and frowning look I'm perfecting this holiday season*

(though....not likely)